How to Feed a Baby

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Please note: these instructions are for men. If you are a woman, you just take your shirt off.[1]

  1. Notice your baby is fussing and squirming. Lightly stroke his cheek. If he eagerly swings his mouth toward your finger, he is hungry.
  2. Unless he is lying, which you will find out when you try to put the bottle in his mouth and he reacts as though you are trying to put out a cigarette on the tip of his tongue.
  3. Pick him back up and keep walking endlessly up and down the living room. It may seem as though the baby is purposely trying to make your bad back worse by leaning out further and further to the side.
  4. He is.
  5. Unless he’s hungry now and is trying to get into the horizontal position he usually associates with eating! Quick, get him the bottle before he gets too furious to eat!
  6. Unless he’s lying again.
  7. Or maybe all of his squirming and grunting means he really wants to lie on the floor and look at some toys.
  8. Or not. Christ, he’s got to be hungry, it’s been like four hours since the last time he ate. Try again.
  9. OH MY GOD HE’S TAKING THE BOTTLE AND HE LOOKS LIKE HE’S REALLY INTO IT.
  10. BUT HE’S FLAILING HIS ARMS AROUND UNCONTROLLABLY FOR SOME REASON and oh crap he just knocked the bottle out of his mouth.
  11. Control his arms with one hand.
  12. Reinsert the bottle with the other hand. OH CRAP HIS SLEEPER IS BUNCHING UP IN FRONT OF HIS MOUTH BLOCKING THE BOTTLE IT’S LIKE LARRY DAVID’S PANTS TENT EXCEPT NOT REALLY.
  13. Let go of his arms and fold the sleeper’s chest tent out of the way and reinsert the bottle CRAP IT’S TOO LATE HE DOESN’T WANT IT ANYMORE.
  14. Get back to walking, mule.
  15. Despite his screaming when you stop walking, sit down on the couch and rest your back for a few minutes. You aren’t going to be any good to anyone if you cripple yourself.
  16. Pat his back to help him calm down. Once he falls asleep, keep patting and shushing to keep him that way. Maybe you can keep him asleep until mom gets home from work.
  17. You could always read a magazine or some research materials from work except OH CRAP THE TIME IT TAKES TO TURN THE PAGE IS TOO LONG FOR HIM TO GO WITHOUT BEING PATTED ON THE BACK HE’S WAKING UP QUICK GET BACK TO PATTING HIM ON THE BACK.
  18. Perhaps you should just watch Ellen Degeneres instead.
  19. Don’t forget to keep patting and shushing FOR THE NEXT HOUR AND A HALF.

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1. Assuming you are lactating.[2]
2. Yes, I know, it’s not always that easy even if you have mammary glands and are lactating. I am sorry for making light.

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